Holidays spirit.

Home from NY and Christmas has been spent.
Home.
The kids finally got their trampoline and swing set.
Ive been wanting one of them for them for awhile.
Puts a smile on my face every time I see them playing on it.
Since Ive been back,
Ive started working at Dalia.
Mom and Sally are always talking about how hard and stressful that it is,
maybe its just because Im a noob at it still,
that I disagree.
I worked Wednesday this week and last night also.
I like to work with people and Im beginning already to be kick-ass at the register.
Start pay is $7.50, and thats not to bad.
I open on Sunday,
and hopefully my paperwork wont be as fucked up as it was last night,
though Im almost positive that it wasnt my fault we were 319 dollars short on lotto.
Ill figure it out.
I should be getting my clothes some time soon, I hope.
I wasnt able to get on the plane home with my under carried bag and so Dad had to ship it to me.
There goes a hunderred dolla bill.
His fault anyway.
Im glad to be home,
but Im completely serious about saving money this time.
Being in NY and talking to my Dad and/or Father,
has really opened my eyes to the future.
I see that if I dont get my ass into gear,
Ill be living with my sister for the next who-knows-how-many years,
and that time will fly by without me noticing.
Thats just how it is here.
You get all caught up in the good of everyone,
and you forget about having to better yourself.
I refuse.
Working at Dalia will be good for me.
(Assuming that no bodily harm will come of it, that is.)
My plan is to work there and save that money ,
and come April, when Dad and Jen will be getting married,
Ill go back up there with the money that Ive saved,
and might just start a life for myself.
I would have nothing but help and support up there,
the kind that I cant have here.
Ill be able to go back to school and get what I want out of life.
I have some of the tools and dont know how to work them.
Up there Ill get more tools and learn how to utilize them.
And I will.
I know that I have the potential to be able to help someone,
even more than one,
and in the wholly good-hearted way.
NOT the fucked up way, Ive been doing.
Im turning over a new leaf...
...well a new TREE would probably be more like it.
I dont want to be a no one.
I dont want to be a bitch,
and a loser,
and a whore.
One day people wont see me and think,
Look! There goes that loose girl Lana! You know! That one who every one thinks is a slut.
Im hugely looking forward to it.
I wanna make me a better person,
from the inside out,
and I will.
I want to be able to forgive myself foe all the bad shit Ive done,
and I cant do that very well with the rep that I have in PC.
I dunno,
that plan isnt set,
but the saving money part, absolutely is.

Ive written all this for me.
To vent.
To you I write:

I hope that youve had at least a decent Christmas,
and that youre doing good.
I miss you,
and Id like to see you again shortly,
if that can be arranged.
if youre not too busy and if it wont be too weird for you.
I still want to be youre friend and I DO care.
I but I also think that it was necessary for this lack of communication.
Im just worried that seeing you will disrupt the closure that we have.