Holidays spirit.

Home from NY and Christmas has been spent.
Home.
The kids finally got their trampoline and swing set.
Ive been wanting one of them for them for awhile.
Puts a smile on my face every time I see them playing on it.
Since Ive been back,
Ive started working at Dalia.
Mom and Sally are always talking about how hard and stressful that it is,
maybe its just because Im a noob at it still,
that I disagree.
I worked Wednesday this week and last night also.
I like to work with people and Im beginning already to be kick-ass at the register.
Start pay is $7.50, and thats not to bad.
I open on Sunday,
and hopefully my paperwork wont be as fucked up as it was last night,
though Im almost positive that it wasnt my fault we were 319 dollars short on lotto.
Ill figure it out.
I should be getting my clothes some time soon, I hope.
I wasnt able to get on the plane home with my under carried bag and so Dad had to ship it to me.
There goes a hunderred dolla bill.
His fault anyway.
Im glad to be home,
but Im completely serious about saving money this time.
Being in NY and talking to my Dad and/or Father,
has really opened my eyes to the future.
I see that if I dont get my ass into gear,
Ill be living with my sister for the next who-knows-how-many years,
and that time will fly by without me noticing.
Thats just how it is here.
You get all caught up in the good of everyone,
and you forget about having to better yourself.
I refuse.
Working at Dalia will be good for me.
(Assuming that no bodily harm will come of it, that is.)
My plan is to work there and save that money ,
and come April, when Dad and Jen will be getting married,
Ill go back up there with the money that Ive saved,
and might just start a life for myself.
I would have nothing but help and support up there,
the kind that I cant have here.
Ill be able to go back to school and get what I want out of life.
I have some of the tools and dont know how to work them.
Up there Ill get more tools and learn how to utilize them.
And I will.
I know that I have the potential to be able to help someone,
even more than one,
and in the wholly good-hearted way.
NOT the fucked up way, Ive been doing.
Im turning over a new leaf...
...well a new TREE would probably be more like it.
I dont want to be a no one.
I dont want to be a bitch,
and a loser,
and a whore.
One day people wont see me and think,
Look! There goes that loose girl Lana! You know! That one who every one thinks is a slut.
Im hugely looking forward to it.
I wanna make me a better person,
from the inside out,
and I will.
I want to be able to forgive myself foe all the bad shit Ive done,
and I cant do that very well with the rep that I have in PC.
I dunno,
that plan isnt set,
but the saving money part, absolutely is.

Ive written all this for me.
To vent.
To you I write:

I hope that youve had at least a decent Christmas,
and that youre doing good.
I miss you,
and Id like to see you again shortly,
if that can be arranged.
if youre not too busy and if it wont be too weird for you.
I still want to be youre friend and I DO care.
I but I also think that it was necessary for this lack of communication.
Im just worried that seeing you will disrupt the closure that we have.

Ugh.

Its not very nice to call someone,
and when the person your callings,
little brother answers the phone,
to hang up.
Just sayin..
Coming home tomorrow.
Whoopie.

Four days.

Thank God.
I cannot wait to get home.
We had a fan-fuckin-tastic morning outside.
G-ma and G-pa came over,
and the kids and Jen and I
took advantage of the new snow outside,
and made a kick-ass snowman,
er snow woman I should say.
All was going great until Janice, G-ma and I,
came inside to get ready to go shopping.
Id been looking forward to this all week.
I love spending time with the old woman.
Anyway(s) Janice came downstairs after changing pants,
and G-ma told her that should couldnt go with pants that didnt fit.
Her pants were serious highwaters.
She proceeded to yell and scream that her pants were just fine.
I cannot believe just how rude and disrespectful that this little girl is.
If it was my actual sister I would have beat the living shit outta her,
for speaking even HALF the way she did to Grama.
Its absolutely ridiculous!
After that I told g-ma that,
I told G-ma that I didnt have any wanting to go.
Why?
so I could listen to that goddamn mouth of hers even more?!?
G-ma got all pissed off,
and Jen got all pissed off.
Thus, I became the bad guy.
ugh, I wouldnt be as bad if the people around here werent so awesome.
I need to be back home,
in MY element.
Ugh,
the hours tick by..
very slowly.

Let it Snow.

I absolutely love it.
Its no very nice to wake up and to go outside and sit,
admiring the white blanket.
Hmmm..
Nicey nice.
Its kinda hard for me to go outside and sit,
on the back porch that is,
annymore.
ugh I hate this.
I have had 3 cigarettes in the last 3 days.
Down from a pack a day.
Their disgusting and I refuse to he harbored by them much longer.
It is much harder then I thought hough,
but not really,
I knew it was going to be hard.
I hate writing these things,
but I know that Ill be grateful to myself
in the end.
5 days have went by since I last wrote,
and alot of things have happened.
I had my christmas here, and it was great.
I got a kickas ICP hoodie,
complete with VJs face in the hood.
An ICP wall clock.
LOL.
I never thought Id have that,
didnt even know they existed.
Hehehe.
What I really liked though is the Sansa mp3 player.
and I got to put songs on it last night.
Nicey nice.
I miss music so much when Im home.
I never get to listen and enjoy it much.
I got my Brisingr too.
...along with the other two books in hardback.
i think that that was a complete waste of money,
to spend on me anyways.
Im not a big fan of harboring books.
I borrow or buy them real cheep,
and after I read them I set them aside or give them away.
No need for them once they've been used up,
once the knowledge has been derived.
LMFAO.
Anyway(s) Ill be done with it soon,
though I want to save just enough of it for the plane ride home.
If not for anything else,
Im glad that I came here so as I could read.
Ive been ravenous for a good book,
since about a month after I moved in with Sally.
When i get home,
Ill immediately start working at one of the convenience stores,
and save money.
Zack has already asked to be my roommate when I get my own place,
I just hope that he gets that job at the prison.
What a dorkface.
Ill be partying pretty hard when I get home.
Anyone on the net wanna party with me?
b.y.o.b of course.
;]

I suggest you read this very slowly, and analyze every word.

There is a wall,
ten miles long,
around my core.
It has been breached.
The court yard was tread upon,
where no else has tread before.
A gun was shot,
straight to the middle,
in the form of a sentence.
A statement of truth,
that has shaken the whole establishment.
This was the place Ive been hiding since the day I was born.
A sacred place that even I,
do not dare to enter often.
It was a place,
that was merely to be guarded.
Not acknowledged or touched,
by any human being alive.
It wasnt even possible.
It shouldnt have happened,
I shouldnt have let it happen.
I have dedicated my whole life,
my mind,
my will...
everything that I had,
to guard it.
That was my last hope,
the last essence of my being...
the place that has kept me strong.
And yet it has happened,
and I am left even more of a piddly lump.
Everything is deserved,
and yet,
I cannot shake the feeling of absolute,
Betrayal.
How dare you come,
and ruin all that I have worked for?
To break down the one last beam,
that was holding me up?
Disgusted.
Absolute loathing,
is flowing through me.
This act was due,
and I know it.
Time heals..
and right now,
I need a fuck load of it.

I shouldnt have tried to fix you.
Shouldnt have tried in my own minds way of helping people.
Its my escape though,
the one time in the day where I feel like Im good for something.
Like I can be a good person.
I should have remembered before it started,
that I do nothing but cause pain.
You couldnt be fixed.
There was nothing wrong.
I was so wrong.
I made you worse.
Thinking about it..
I cant breathe.
There is no way to convey it,
and make you believe.
I am so very VERY sorry.

You deserve the world,
but Ive done nothing but bring you down.
I am so very sorry.
Sorry.
sorry.

Darkness -Twiztid.

Whats another good title for this passage?
A. Humorless
B. Your Mother takes it in the ass
C. Garbage
D. All of the above.

...I kinda miss school.
NOT!


Nothing insightful or even thoughtful tonight.
Writing to take up space.
Im reading Twilight because Brisingr is too expensive at the moment.
Cant wait to come home and get started working.
Hate not having money like Im used to.
Its killing me here, that i have to ask for everything,
and suffer without things that I normally wouldnt have to worry about.
Bitching.
I know.
I feel like it.
Hate having to go outside in the blistering cold to smoke a goddamn cigarette.
Miss my life at home.
Still got a million days left here.
Im so under stimulated that its not even a little funny.
Being under-sexually-stimulated would normally be funny.
I would laugh at the person that was telling me about it.
Its not anymore though.
Not even a little.
Suffering.
A need to break out of the shell that Im in here.
I want to be me!
Lies.
Lies.
Lies.
I want to be...like me.

Mindless rambling.
No subject.
Garbage.
So outrageously bored.
Not much funniness either.
I feel myself getting stupider by the second.
You have no idea how many errors that Ive had to fix in the little that Ive written.
This shit is even second nature to me!

Brown, nice right?

xD.
That was funny.
To me anyway(s).

God.
What a beautiful word.
What a beautiful name.
The epitome of happiness.
Truth.
Laugh.
Its not funny.
Thats where I should be.
the only man for me.
Remember when you were younger?
Whether poor or rich.
Scratch that.
Fuck the riches.
they make me want to throw up.
Even more than I hate myself,
I hate them.
These kids...
Ugh.

____________________________Karma -Twiztid


Pure unadulterated happiness.
Not true.
but Im sure that was at least a portion of it where everything was peachy...
whether you knew about it or not.
I can only remember once.
I was with him.
I know it and feel it in my soul.
i must be with him to be truely happy.
Everything is okay when I have him.
My ONLY true love.
The one I was meant for.
I need to be a Nun.
Minus the catholicism.
More lies.

Ugh.

THIS DUMB ASS THING WONT LET ME OFF ITALICS.
Im done.
Too much trouble.